Signing that document took all my breath and a big chunk of my heart.
Lots of complications led to the necessity of my leaving my uterus in medical waste in Conway, Arkansas. Hysterectomy. It was a blow to me and all my ego and heart.
Today I still mourn the end of possibility. Living this last year without even the hope of concieving, even in the wake of 16 1/2 years of no success, has been really painful and strange at times. I realize that I tend toward the dramatical sometimes and talk about all that stuff we wish we could pretend away. However, this is the real stuff.
I could not be more grateful for the preciousness that adoption has brought us as a family. And living in the same heart is the empty place. I believe that God understands that. I was created with that kind of heart and to deny either part is to deny the whole.
I can mourn and be grateful.
I can see that hurt and not hide it and still be so, so thankful because of all my blessings. I can name them, they are many.
But today, I'm just sad. I filled my day with people I enjoy so I don't forget my blessings. But in every alone moment, I have heartily mourned.
Because I must.
Because what we resist absolutely will persist.
The mourning will follow me around like a sad dog that will eventually demand attention, even turning snippy and harmful if not given time.
One of my favorite singer/songwriters is Walt Wilkins. One of his songs popped up today, as I was playing music loud and making scones (because mourning without coffee and scones is not effective at all). I share it here. He is a much better expressor of the deep emotions than am I. This song reminds me, that like David, we should ask God why. I should give my whole heart and be mad and scared and sad with God. It is the best place to take my hurts. I hope you'll take a quiet bit and listen to this one. I doubt you'll regret it.
I am thankful for the many who have loved on us this year. We have not stopped being faithful and God has blessed us so, so much.